Vows
One bride's thoughts on meaning and marriage in the modern world
Next week, I am getting married.
After a year of planning, friends and family from around the world will join us here, in the Netherlands, for a celebration.
Why?
Not a few times have I paused in the last year and lamented the stress of planning, the expense of it all, wondering why we didn’t elope to Gibraltar as we so often joked we would - like John Lennon and Yoko Ono, who were married there privately in 1969.
So, why? Why are we doing this instead of “pulling a John-Yoko”? Why have a ceremony, dressed in white, flowers, cake, that all costs way too much?
And then there is the bigger why - why get married at all? What does marriage even MEAN in the modern world, where relationships, partnerships, and traditions have changed and shifted to make the idea of “marriage” perhaps obsolete?
These questions, and others, have been swimming around in my mind. After all, my soon-to-be husband and I have been together going on eight years and survived quite a bit together. Long-distance. COVID. PhDs. And burnout. We’ve shown that we can go the distance - literally and figuratively. He’s my person and I feel our devotion to each other every day.
And yet, we still feel drawn to get married.
Part of it, of course, is practical - it’s helpful to be married in a dual nationality relationship from an immigration standpoint.
But for us - ultimately - marriage is about taking the time to pause - in an age that moves much too fast - to celebrate our commitment to each other.
Commitment
Shortly after we first started dating, I took a trip to Florida to visit my grandparents, who were living there at the time. I told them about this “handsome new Spanish guy” I was dating, excited, but also unsure what the future held for us as an international couple. At the time, I thought I might return from where I was doing my studies in the Netherlands to the US within a year. It made me quite hesitant to give my heart away, while he could remain in Europe and me back in the US.
As I walked the white Florida sands with my grandma, I shared my fears with her. She told me about a family member who married into an Italian family when she was younger - a big thing at the time - and how the couple and their families navigated difference to form loving bonds that celebrated what everyone brought to the table.
She also spoke of commitment - moving through the good and bad times with a partner, something she and my grandfather had done in their decades-long marriage. She expressed concern that some modern relationships may be lacking this backbone and falling apart when the relationship becomes unpleasant or uncomfortable. A true sadness when moving through tough moments, the uncomfortable, can help cultivate a deep, wonderful bond between two people.
This conversation on the beach has really stuck with me over the years. What I really wanted, I realized, was that kind of commitment with one special person - the one my grandma so elegantly described to me on the beach. The kind that cultivates an in-depth, unconditional love and understanding of another person, even across national borders and cultures. The kind that doesn’t run from tough conversations or situations, but embraces them as a point of growth. The kind that has each other’s backs, through thick and thin, sunshine and storms.
As a modern woman, I of course believe that commitment should not mean staying in a toxic or otherwise unhealthy relationship. And sometimes, things just - simply - do not work, and that’s okay. Better to move on and find what does work, then stay trapped because you SHOULD stay.
I also strongly believe that love, and relationships, come in varying flavors that can deviate from the traditional two-person heterosexual man-woman partnership of times past.
My flavor of love, though, has always learned a bit more traditional (at least on the outside) - with commitment, while not absolute, still shining strong at its core. I am a one-person, go-deep, kind of gal. I am a highly sensitive, proudly emotional, human being that values deep conversations and understanding, even if it is sometimes exhausting. I personally only have the bandwidth to have that with one other person, and desire that they also wish to have that with me. And this all requires full-on commitment.
I’ve been called intense by lovers now past. And this flavor of love, the all-in kind, the deep dive, I fully admit is not everyone’s cup of tea. And that’s completely understandable, especially because the best we can do is strive for unconditional love and understanding of another, and the journey is never really complete. This can feel unsatisfying for some who may love or desire relationships of a different flavor. I get that.
But for me, the journey itself is a tea that is oh so sweet, so rich in aroma, that it leaves me energized with each sip.
And so I praise the stars that, following my Florida trip, I did not step back from “handsome new Spanish guy” because I foresaw bumps in the road. We went for it with all that we had.
He has since shown to be that person, that love, enjoying the same tea as me. He wants to go deep with me and walk a journey that doesn’t really have an end. Our relationship is a beautiful study in acceptance of the other. We are committed, heart and soul.
Celebration
We have been through so much together over the last nearly eight years, and sometimes, we feel that the pace of modern life is so fast that we forget to slow down and celebrate what we have and what we have cultivated, together.
So we view our modern-day wedding, then, as a celebration of commitment - of our deep-dive flavor of love. A declaration to the world that we have and will continue to love, laugh, cry, and even argue on a journey that’s never really complete. To, finally, invest time, money, and resources in slowing down, saying beautiful words, eating good food, drinking glasses of cava, and dancing to the rhythm of celebration.
Because we are the other’s person, enjoying a pot of tea together that we both adore.
The Heron’s Perch
Coaching questions to ponder
What brings you joy in your modern relationships?
How might you celebrate the relationships in your life?
I loved reading this 🤍 I got engaged at the end of last year and am now documenting the wedding planning on my substack if you want to follow along ☺️ xx
I love how you can see the love which has blossomed from picture one to picture two!